EXERCISE. What is your balance?

Try to establish a relationship of mutual gains and losses in a dyad. It is best to analyze the costs and rewards in a relationship with your partner. However, be careful when performing this exercise may be different emotions, including negative ...

Think about the pros and cons of each partner receives in their relationship. That receives and "than paying" each of them? Write down everything that notice. Spend enough time thinking that the analysis was superficial. It would be nice if you yourself have analyzed your "arrival" and "consumption" and asked the same thing your partner. Can jointly discuss the results.

If you are analyzing a foreign couple, think about the consequences of this balance. It can be positive or negative for each of the parties. Be realistic in their assessments. You may come in handy table:

 

Benefits

Losses

Balance

 

A partner

Partner B

Think about the reasons for this situation.

According to the theory of justice remains a particular connection only when the balance is positive for both participants. Everyone should get from this connection, the maximum award at minimal personal cost. And what could be the reward? For some - the prestige, for others - a sense of self-importance, for the third - gaining a sense of security.

It turns out that two people of different sexes happiness is possible, while maintaining the so-called balanced connection where the costs are distributed fairly. In other words, we feel good because, for which the equal benefit.

Attractiveness research show that greater social attractiveness of people have physically developed, intelligent and wealthy. As they say, better to be beautiful, smart and rich! But there is a continued ...

One theory says that attractive people (having the characteristics noted above) should look like a partner, as well as reduced the attractiveness of the person should liaise with people relevant to them in terms of these traits.

But often we're trying to get their partners socially more attractive than we are.

What do you think? What prompts you to their own experience and observation?

 

EXERCISE. Increase or misalliance?

Try to give as many examples of couples in which there is the phenomenon of "balance of attraction", and couples in which equilibrium is strongly violated.

Think about the implications of this for each pair. As far as their self-assessment and may differ from those of an outsider? Do not forget the role of factors that are not available for your observations and evaluations.

Try to take a respectful, correct position and do not stoop to insulting, vulgar comparisons: two poor and two rich, handsome couple and a pair of quasimodes ... Remember that your relationship could be subject to such analysis. It is held not to show their (ambitions, and to deepen your knowledge about a particular psychological mechanism. You is, of course, you know.

 
In the literature to elucidate the mechanism of attraction is used

as the theory of gains and losses. Its author is an American scientist E. Aron -

a dream. According to him, we most love to those who have expressed to us their respect and

admiration. Of particular importance is the change we estimate another person. It is this

change is an essential and decisive for the emergence of a sense of sympathy.

Not so important, that someone loves us, appreciates and respects. More importantly, someone we only

I loved his emotions, and appraisal of our personality changed for the better (this is a situation of "acquisition"). Negative emotions we feel for people who had never sympathized with us (the situation is "lost"), and it is absolutely not tolerate those whose

eyes, we began to look worse than before. What is the cause of this pattern? The change in the assessment of our other person we perceive as a result of our

their own actions. We feel guilty and responsible. At the same time

stable and unchanging attitude towards us we interpret as a consequence of personality traits of another person.

EXERCISE. "He loves me (not like), because it is so" or "He loved me (disliked), because it is better learned?"

Try a few examples of your real connections with others, in which:

- Remains unchanging attitude towards you (as one example of the positive and negative attitudes);

- Respect for you has changed dramatically (one example of change for the better and for worse).

Try to determine who was responsible for this situation in each case. Do you see there any patterns?

Stable opinions on us, we often ascribe to others, and changes in them - themselves.

An additional factor in this case is fear. Anyone who bothered us before, but now we expresses his approval, reduces our initial concern, the other formerly "safe", but now we have a negative evaluator, on the contrary,

arouses fear.

EXAMPLE

To test this theory, experiments were conducted with the participation of students. We studied a girl who worked in pairs.One of the students was

employee of the experimenter. In a specially created situation unsuspecting student heard her imaginary partner told me about it

the experimenter. The views in these stories were varied: only positive, only negative, more positive (the situation of acquisition), more and more negative (loss situation). The results confirmed

Preliminary assumptions were the most attractive partner,

relevant to the situation, acquisition, and the most unpleasant - to

situation of loss

 
We should remember two important events established in studies of mutual attraction: similarity and complementarity. We love those who are like us, osobenyo attitudes and inclinations. We are also appealing to them. Similarity - the source of reinforcements (we argue less and often agree with each other).Similar to our people bring us information about our abilities, emotions, assumptions (on a mirror reflecting our own or those who we would like to be).

 
Complementarity - complementarities it needs, personality types, styles,

of behavior. It can also cause mutual attraction. An example of this

serves as a link man, aspiring to leadership, and women preferring under ¬

repairing.

At different periods of critical importance in the relationship between two heterosexual men have a variety of factors.

 
The similarity of the positions of social values, moral principles is crucial in the initial stage of communication. In the future becomes more important complementarity that allows hope to preserve the connection for a long time.

 
Love - it's not always the same ...

Now consider the process of feeling love. Romantic love is almost not been studied by psychologists. Maybe this is okay?Why? Because the phenomenon by which we are not extinct as a species, which is one of the driving forces of our individual existence and the existence of entire civilizations, deserves more attention.

 

How can we examine "the microscope" something elusive and unique? It

reminds parse tender lyric poem or the establishment of the spectral analysis of the charming sunset.

Magic, mystery, intimacy and uniqueness of sensual love reliably protect it from the researchers. But some of them can learn even the most inaccessible areas. Thus, the American scholar 3.Rubin attempted to explore love. He used a number of empirical methods of questioning ("Scale of Love"), surveillance, laboratory experiment (which lasted more than six months).

 
In developing the scale, Rubin suggested that a working definition of love (?!). Try to imagine how it could look like.

 
EXERCISE. What is the definition of romantic love, give your friends?

Of course, I wonder what it would be for people. Choose those that have differed in many ways: age, sex, marital status, presence of children, occupation, social status, etc.

And what happened? As far as their definition look like? What is the difference between them? Is there a connection between what you heard and what you yourself think about that? Good to hear from a fellow traveler ...

In the definition of romantic love, Rubin identifies three important components:

- The need for affiliation and dependence;

- The desire to help;

- Excitement and exclusivity. .

Interestingly, and in your studies, these characteristics also appear?

Curious and some of the scales used by Rubin - a 9-point scale (from 1 - "strongly disagree" to 9 - "agree completely"). Want to test yourself on this test?

 

SCALE OF LOVE

1. If X were (a) sad (a), I first tried to raise him (her) mind.

2. I feel like I can confess to X almost everywhere.

3. I easily forget the mistakes committed by X.

4. I've done (a) to all of X.

5. I'm very jealous of X.

6. If I could not (la) to be with X, we felt (a) would be very unhappy (oops).

7. If I felt lonely (oh), my first thought would be

find X.

8. Most of all I care about the welfare of X.

9. I am willing to (a) all just X.

10. I am responsible for the happiness of X.

11. When I was with X, I spend a lot of time just looking at him (her).

12. Was (a) would be very happy (a), if X and trusted (a) to me.

13. I would be hard to do without X.

How to interpret the results? Summed scoring. The higher the result, the higher the intensity of feeling. True, the very idea of ​​the definition could argue ... Think about what situation might come in handy this scale? Maybe then, when we love the two partners at once?


One of the parameters of love, this is difficult to determine the sense is, reputedly, the common feelings and emotions. Loving another person not only feels that his partner something excites, but experiencing the same emotions (compare this with the mechanism of empathy - emotional responsiveness to the human experience of the other). There was even a "hypothesis of empathy" in love, which is also verified experimentally.

EXAMPLE

and experiment (as always) for the students. This time the purpose of the experiment carefully camouflaged, creating the illusion of memory research. People gathered in the great hall, offered to memorize words that are read by different persons, as well as read by certain sets of expressions. It turned out that people in general are poorly remember what they read more. At the same time they are receptive to the material that read themselves.

Well, where is the empathy? Where romantic love?

In the same room previously selected couples who were in such relationships. It was noted an interesting phenomenon: the partner of his reader's memory for a set of words is almost as good as your own, that is in some way identified with the reader, going through a similar emotional state to him. Here's the manifest empathic experience of certain states.

Have you noticed anything like that?

 
EXERCISE. My magical harmony

Do you feel pain when your favorite person is injured? Anxiety, when he (she) afraid (las)? Do you feel anger, fear, shame?Maybe your "harmony" On the positive emotions: joy, pride, joy, ecstasy?

Give as many examples. If you can not find them, say, at least, the question of what all this tells you about yourself and about your relationships.

If you want, look for such examples from the lives of other couples familiar to you (parents, relatives, friends, ...), as well as history, literature, cinema.

If our relationship exists, what it is "full" as jointly carried out the time?

That depends on the overall emotional balance, stability and duration of the connection. To this question is interesting answers already known to you transactional analysis.

Gogol wrote: "Regardless of the type of activity, we feel the need for love, recognition, attention from other people. We want to belong to someone, otherwise life becomes painful." Any beautiful and challenging relationship can be safely ruin, poison, destroy it. Some of us - the champions in this area. But others - the beautiful "breadwinners" or "gardeners" - capable of patience, support, care, ... transform limp stalk of emotions in the tempestuous, strong, fertile love. It depends primarily on the actions of partners.

 

Each of us has a choice of six ways to organize a pastime:

- Care - for example, in a fantasy world that characterizes the physical or spiritual loneliness. We fenced off from others and thus avoid much suffering, but at the same time lose the capacity for good and warm contacts with others, get support;

- Ritual - repeated, stereotyped, stereotyped actions that make us effortlessly get some reinforcements. Without requiring brainwork, such actions become automatic and limiting our creativity. We become primitive, but it saves energy and can easily maintain surface communications;

- Entertainment - safe and friendly conversation on general topics, gossip, compliments, which are often supported by us, but quickly bored. Thanks to the trite topics and friendly atmosphere, we feel safe;

- Activity - a way to organize time, effortless, which makes it possible to remove the excessive stress, an area of ​​creative activities that support our psycho-physical form. Alas, hyperactivity may also be unsafe because the limits other forms of human activity;

- Games - transakty that contain a hidden agenda and implement sustainable motivation. Thanks to them we get a negative reinforcements and destroy any manifestation of cordiality and friendship between people;

- Intimacy - the most direct, open and sincere form of interpersonal communication. Here, give and take, without prejudice to any party.

Since intimacy - is optimal for the partner link and a form of organization

use of time, let's talk about it a little more detail.

Intimacy refers to the deeper areas of the human senses. People, limited to the stereotypical rituals, boring entertainment, games, full of manipulation and unkind intentions, miserable and worthy of pity. Intimate communication is natural and unaffected. People are open, affectionate to one another, retain the ability to emotional experiences. Such an exchange allows the reinforcements to achieve and maintain individual harmony and cohesion of the dyad. 

Intimate relationships offer hope for love and happiness, and therefore the subject of dreams many of us. How many people can realize their dreams? For how many people they remain out of reach? How much and does not try to reach them? And how many people flying for some unimaginable happiness, risking break one's neck, breaking and crushing at

his way of feeling and connection with others ...

 
Read the fable of the water droplets.

Droplets of water from its very birth of something missed. They felt unable to live alone. They yearned for the society, intimacy, attunement. Therefore, falling to the ground, they tried to connect to the streams flowing into the reservoir and

together absorbed into the ground, becoming part of the same plants. Frozen in a

piece of ice or with a single cloud soared. They were no longer drops, they were

water, steam, ice.

It lives in them a longing for your whole ocean of water when you feel thirsty. You do not pay attention to individual droplets that are close to your hand. You pass miles of ocean to an unreachable, thinking that what you give it will be different, better. But the ocean is ... of individual droplets.

It is not easy to describe the psychological categories that occurs when we experience the closeness in intimate relationships. It is rather a task for a poet. "We do not have enough words," "our hearts are full of ..."," two souls merge into one ... " Intimacy and love are not to be confused with sex, although, of course, they can coexist. (Not all are aware that sex can be fun, ritual, play or work ... Look for examples of such interpretations of the sexual life in the known links to you, as well as books and films.)

Intimacy may be present in the relationship between different people (parents and children of different age and sex, grandparents and grandchildren, partners, regardless of age and gender). It is accompanied by a frank conversation, confession, self-pity and compassion for the suffering, dying. Some argue that this phenomenon is alien to them and understand that they have no need for close relationships with people. In this case, most often manifested protective mechanisms have evolved as a result of mishaps and injuries from a relationship with people in the past.

Any risk of intimacy has a deep emotional trauma. The presence of such injury statistics show suicide attempts and other manifestations of self-injury. Therefore, there are people who prefer not to risk it. They are afraid to make mistakes, to be deceived, "hurt" his soul. Therefore, avoid cordial and friendly familiarity. However, such behavior does not allow any to feel satisfaction, nor to achieve contact with people joining (affiliation).


You see, what this conclusion differs from the fable of the drops?What matters is not quantity, not the frequency, intensity is not, and the quality of the exchange of reinforcements. This exchange of "weak currency" devalued so much that there is no hope of balancing quality. (This is the least bit of water, and poison.) What gets in this way a person does not satisfy his needs, and makes his chronically dissatisfied. The less we give and receive, the lower the value the role and importance of intimacy itself.