Psychology of Success.
On the problem of human insecurity in itself as simple, in one fell swoop, not to go. We need to understand the deep psychological roots of uncertainty. I propose to consider the case of a girl Claire described the beginning of the century known psychoanalysts Karen Horn.
Maybe you naedete some consistency with his own life. Analyzing the case with Claire, Karen Horne compares her situation to the situation of another person, just an employee who is confident in itself and does not suffer from psychological complexes.
So, "a girl named Claire ... smug is the mother who waits for her children's admiration and exceptional dedication. Clerk, adult, psychologically well-established, working in private enterprise, the owner of which has the same characteristics as the mother of the first example. And the mother, and the owner of the company smug, capricious, inclined to be hostile, if they do not have what they consider to be yours, or if you feel yourself to criticism. "
This often happens in our life, agree?
"Under such circumstances, the employee, if he has good reasons to stick to their work, will be more or less consciously seek ways of dealing with its owner. Perhaps he would refrain from criticism, to be openly praise his positive qualities, to refrain from praise rivals owner, always agree with his plans, regardless of their point of view, to express their own ideas as if they came from the owner.
How does this affect the strategy of behavior in his personality? It will be resent to the infringement of their rights and hate their own hypocrisy. But if it is - self-respecting man, he would take it that this situation will likely cast a shadow on its owner than to himself, and the conduct of which he is forced to follow, not make it supple podhalimom. Such a strategy will be applied to them only in relation to his master. According to another employer, if he suddenly shift work, it will behave differently. "
Please note, readers, that a person psychologically healthy, self-confident attitude to change the situation if you can not change it. And it is very important! But people with psychological problems - can not do so.
"Claire, you can compare the situation with the situation the employee, as the mother and the owner had a similar character, but Claire is a sense to examine in more detail. It was not a wanted child. The marriage was unhappy. After the birth of their first child - a boy - his mother did not want to have more children. Claire is born after several unsuccessful attempts at abortion. Since it is not treated badly and not rejected it in rough shape - it went in the same good school, and that brother, received the same gift as he has been music to the same teacher, with her brother, and in all that related to wealth, it is included as well. "
So, Hori immediately drew our attention to the family, in particular - in relation to the child before the moment he was born. Modern research shows that a child's mind even before he was born. At the child in the womb, even the influence of parents thought about it.
"But with regard to less tangible things, they received it less: less affection, less interest in their school assessments and to the many everyday experiences that may occur in the child, less care when she was sick, less concern that it No number is less than the desires of the trustee, less than the admiration of its appearance and good manners. My father, being a rural doctor, almost always absent.
Claire made a few touching attempts to move closer to him, but both the child he was, in general, indifferent. His love entirely focused on his wife and expressed in the form of poor admiration. My father could not help anything, because it openly despised his mother, which was subtle and attractive woman and, no doubt, dominate in the family. Unconcealed hatred and contempt, which his mother holds his father, including the desire to open his death, contributed greatly to the appearance Claire sense that much safer to be on the side of force, that is, mother. "
You see, even as a child is a person trying to adapt in a family environment, found in its place. Of course, doing it unconsciously, instinctively.
"In such a situation, in Clare, it was not possible to develop self-esteem. In relation to it does not show the injustice that would cause her protest. But an unhealthy atmosphere in the family did Claire resentful and disaffected.
As a result, many have come to believe that she represents is a martyr. But neither the mother nor the brother did not come to mind that she really suffered because of unfair treatment. They considered it a manifestation of bad behavior of nature.
And Claire will never feel secure, easy to give way to the majority opinion and was seen in a certain shortcomings. Compared with the mother, which are admired for her beauty and charm, and with his brother, who was very cheerful and smartest little boy, she was ?ugly duckling?. Soon she had a deep conviction that she is not able to no one cause for sympathy. "
Child directs the need for security. To meet this need, he has to take on those roles, which he attributes to the near surroundings, then it depends (the parents).
Of course, things depend on the human temperament. But, nevertheless, very few adults can rebel against the environment, on which depends his future. For example, few people can go to your supervisor and say that he is scoundrel, that has acted in a situation correctly. And Claire - this is a child!
"This shift from a fair and reasonable as a matter of fact accusations against other people for absolutely unfair and unreasonable self was, as we will soon see, the far-reaching implications. It has caused more than its adoption of the assessment, which gave it around." For It also means that Claire out of the consciousness of all the resentment for his mother. "
Exclusion - this is a protective mechanism psyche. For example, we often forget that we unpleasant, or something, when we were clearly not up to the mark. Agree?
"If it is to blame in all, the reason for dissatisfaction with his mother was not. From such a displacement of hostility towards the mother was only one step to the admiration of her. Because of that rejects the mother to anyone who has not expressed her admiration of the whole, the Clare was a strong motive to accept the majority opinion: much safer than it was to find flaws in themselves than in the mother. "
You see, as a psychic child adapts to unsafe conditions at the expense of other personal interests.
"If it, too, will marvel at the mother, she will not have to feel isolated and hide - it can even count on a location, or at least recognition to its side. The hope for love is not true, but in return she received a gift of dubious value . The mother, like all those adults in the admiration of others, in turn, has been generous to the admiration of those who praised it. Claire is no longer rejected ?ugly duckling?, as was the beautiful daughter of a beautiful mother. Thus, rather than undermined confidence in the she developed a false pride, based on the admiration of others. "
Notice how a different, I would say, unreal, forced, artificial understanding of itself and its role in relations with people. Karen Horn called the new structure of the psyche - "I am perfect."
Ideal I - does this mean to seem, not to be. Being unreal! Adjust, painfully changing its essence.
"As a result of this shift - from a genuine protest to a false admiration - Claire has lost the last remnants of self-confidence, in other words, it has? lost themselves ?. Because of the admiration that, in fact, she denies she was the alienation from their own feelings. She did not know that she really likes most of what she wants, what she fears and rejects. She has lost all ability to defend their right to love or even any desire. Despite external proud, her belief that it is unattractive, in fact, has become even deeper. "
You see, a complex psychological mind was the way the child to feel at least some (as we shall see further, imaginary) self-confidence.
"It later emerged her disbelief in true love and affection. Sometimes it seemed that loving her man takes her for someone else, sometimes it was explained to me the love of gratitude for what proved to be useful, or expectations that will be useful in future . This mistrust is deeply violated any human relationship, in which she entered. She also lost their ability to think critically, by acting in accordance with the unconscious maxim: a much safer place to admire other than to treat them critically. "
See, now Claire behavior on other people will always be patterns that stereotype. Well, of course, no true self-confidence. Claire has lost the ability to "see", to perceive people as they are in reality.
"This setup constrain its intelligence, which actually was very high, and greatly contributed to a sense of its own folly. As a consequence of all these factors have evolved three neurotic tendencies.
The first was fixed modesty against their own wishes and requirements. It led to the aggressive tendency to give a secondary role, to think less about themselves than about others, believe that others are right, but it is - no. But even in those close under it could not feel more secure if the number was not human, which could rely, who would have cared about it and defend it, who would give her advice, encourage, endorse, was responsible for her and give her everything she needs.
All this she needed because it lost its ability to manage their own lives. As a result, she developed a need for a ?partner? - friend, lover, husband, from whom she could depend. It would be completely subordinated themselves to it, as it did previously in relation to his mother. But at the same time, thanks to his selfless devotion, she would restore the lost self-esteem. "
Please note that we Clair all his life would have a need for ?mother?, that is, the man who would play the role of the mother. And it would be the person to whom it would be admired, subordinated to it. It will go unconscious in his life of such people.
Others simply do not see, will not be able to appreciate and embrace.
In the psyche Claire, a complex, which will now manage its entire life. Incidentally, the word I would say that almost all people have this unconscious pattern that leads us to select only certain people in your husbands, wives, even friends.
But conscious of the template for the ordinary person it is very difficult, often impossible.
Third neurotic trait - obsession needs surpass others, and gain them over the top - exactly the same was sent to restore its respect for themselves, but in addition, it has absorbed all of vindictiveness, because of the accumulated grievances and humiliation.
Let us compare our result and briefly sum that we wish to illustrate: adult employee and a child develop their strategy to cope with the situation, both use the same pattern of behavior - retreat into the background and admiration for the man in power. Therefore, their reactions may seem similar, but actually they are totally different.
An employee does not lose self-esteem does not withdraw its critical judgments, do not displace their grievances. The child, however, lose their self-respect, displaces his hostility, rejects criticism of their abilities, and strives to keep in the background. Briefly, adult behavior simply adapts to the situation while the child changes his personality. "
Let us look beyond what happened to Claire. How is it returns the self-confidence? Clare asked for help from a psychologist in their thirties. At this point, she worked as an editor at a magazine. Claire believed that in private life she's all right. She met with a man before him was a Clare man who died.
Reasons for treatment to a psychologist were the following:
- Fatigue, hinder the work and in life
- Lack of self-confidence
- It can carry out routine work, but was unable to creative (explain this inability to a lack of talent)
Karen Horn identifies three stages of psychological work with Claire:
- Disclosure of obsessive modesty
- Disclosure of her obsession, depending on the partner
- Disclosure of her obsession needs to force others to recognize its superiority.
And, curiously, ?none of these tendencies were not apparent either for itself or for other?. This means that the mental processes were hidden in the subconscious.
Claire ?was strongly inclined to belittle its relevance and ability: it is not only a doubt of their merits, but persistently denied their very existence, arguing that it is unintelligent, unattractive and has no talent, she had a tendency to reject evidence to the contrary.
In addition, Claire has been inclined to put others above themselves, and if the event of a disagreement, it is automatically believed that the rights of others. She remembered that when her husband began to meet with another woman, she did not do anything to somehow prevent this, although it experienced a very painful, and it justified the husband that his preference for another woman dictated much of its attraction and tenderness.
In addition, it was almost impossible to spend money on: traveling with others, it is to enjoy living in expensive hotels, even to pay its share in overall spending, but as soon as it remains one, it could not allow imagine spending money on such things as travel, clothing, games, books. Finally, while she held the position of the head, she could not tell, but if it can not avoid it, give it orders apologetic voice ?.
Dear readers, please note that this behavior is peculiar lot of women. I remember that post about sexual treason, I wrote of women who changed their husbands. They blamed themselves, but (most importantly!), No practical conclusions were not made, they will not have changed and not changed their behavior on the husband.
Also note that the pliant, limp women tends to be more energetic policy, even where some authoritarian mother. Let's go back to Claire.
?It does not itself able to approve. In other disputes, it was easily swayed her opinion. Despite its ability to deal sensitively with people, she was absolutely incapable, excluding only the editing, take a critical position, where it waited for this.
It has already faced serious difficulties, for example, when not able to understand that her colleague tried in any way undermine its position, and even then, when the situation became quite clear to all the rest, it still believed it to your friend.
Her obsessive desire to be on the sidelines is clearly manifested in the games: tennis, for example, it was too constraint to play well, although sometimes she was able to play, but as soon as she realized that can win, then began to play poorly. Wants others were much more important for her own: she agreed to take leave at a time from which the other refused, she was responsible for other jobs if they were dissatisfied with its volume ?.
Dear readers, I personally know of dozens of women, and I know these men. See how simple. You have to understand that the origins of this behavior are formed in childhood in the family?
?But more importantly, it was the suppression of her own feelings and desires?. All right. If we are forced in childhood to suppress their feelings and desires for the sake of basic needs, such as requirements for security, we can not become self-confident man. We are all accustomed to suppress themselves.
Pay attention to a curious thing. The circumstances and psychological conditions of birth and maturation of the child determine the nature and power of the rest of their lives. You are not afraid of that statement? I am afraid, because I understand how strongly people unfreedom in their reactions, manifestations, and even, as you'll see in the future, say in their destiny.
?Its internal resistance to building long-range plans, it is considered a manifestation of? realistic ?- testimony that she never wanted to reach. In fact, it was ?realistic? is as little as any other people, excessive mandatory requirement for life, and it just keep one's desires, putting them below the level attainable.
It was unrealistic, living in every way - socially, economically, professionally, spiritually - below the level that it was within our means. As shown later life, she has everything to please many people look attractive and to write interesting and original things ?.
Thus, the psychologist worked with Claire for her obsessive modesty. The psychologist, of course, tried to encourage her. In important matters Claire continues to believe that a psychologist or overestimate it, either use encouragement as a means of therapy.
?Finally, she realized, with a very impressive way, that is actually behind this facade of modesty concealed great concern?. It happened at a time when Claire was going to make some suggestions on their work - namely, proposed several modified magazine.
Claire ?was confident that her plan is interesting that he should not meet the high resistance and that all will appreciate it even. However, before you submit it, she suddenly experienced a severe panic, which is a rational way to explain it was not possible ... In early discussions, it is still a panic, and she even had to leave the room because of sudden stomach disorder. But once the debate has gradually become a turn in her favor, the panic settled. In the end, its plan was approved. She returned home, experiencing spiritual growth, and a good mood prevailed in it, when it came to the regular session to the analytical psychologist ?.
I ask readers to pay attention to this important moment. When a person begins to work across their own limitations, internal guidelines, which were once long ago (in childhood) has formed his mind as a protective mechanism, the psyche reacts strong feelings of discomfort, fear, anxiety, etc.
The psychologist told Claire that ?it made a real triumph, but it is my observation of it, with some annoyance rejected. Of course, she got the pleasure of recognition, but the prevailing sense of it that it escaped the great danger ?. You see, stereotyped reaction may not disappear quickly! Clare since childhood adjusted negatively perceived in the praise of his address, because it is an automatic device gave her a feeling of confidence. However, this sense of confidence has been mistaken. The psychologist found that, for this confidence, as a façade, constantly hides neosoznavaemaya alarm!
?At that time, her sense of who one way or another, expressed in associations, have been entirely focused on the issue of modesty. She thought that was too conceited, proposing a new plan: ?Well, who am I such as to know which is better!?
The task of the psychologist and the case was to help Claire subconsciously aware of their anxiety and to release it into the will, thus destroying the protective facade of her psyche.
?But gradually she realized that this is based on the fact that to elect a course of conduct meant to her attempt to go beyond the narrow boundaries, artificially created and jealously cherished her. Only recognizing this observation fairness, it is fully satisfied that her modesty was FACADES that it was necessary to save for their own safety. The result of the first stage was the emerging belief in yourself and have a glimmer of courage and assert their views and desire ?.
The second period of work with a psychologist Claire was devoted to its dependence on a ?partner?. Claire never came to mind that her relationships with men could be something wrong. It is believed that there is just everything was good. The analysis is gradually changing those perceptions. At aggressive dependency indicated three main points.
"The first was that she felt totally lost, as a small child in an unknown forest, where the relationship ceased, or when for some time, she separated from her important person. That kind of emotions she experienced the first time in twenty years, when the left home. She felt a feather, carried in the universe, and wrote a letter executed by desperate mothers, saying that he could not live without it.
But the longing for home had disappeared when she became enthusiastic one older man - a successful writer, have shown interest in its work and provide it with protection. Of course, this experience of a sense of lost, when it first appeared in isolation, it is understandable, given its halcyon youth and anti-life adversity.
Another Note the fact of these relationships was that the entire world around her disappeared, and only if the beloved person was important. Thoughts and feelings focused on a telephone call, letter or visit him. Hours held without him, were filled with anticipation, only to see him, thoughts of how he relates to it.
And most importantly, she felt absolutely miserable when it was not enough taktichen or, as it seemed, it has rejected. At that time, all other human relationships - her work and other interests - just do not lose it any value. The third point is the dream of a strong and self-confident man, a voluntary raboy which she would become, and he in turn gave it to all that it needs - from material wealth to spiritual inspiration - and would have made her a great writer. "
As awareness of these factors gradually became apparent obsession of its need to rely on a partner. The main feature of this requirement has been fully sweep parasitic plant, unconscious desire to ?sit on the neck? partner, expecting that he would give substance to her life, take responsibility for themselves, solve all its difficulties and make it famous, without any effort on its part.
This inclination is not only remote from other people, but also from the partner, as the inevitable disappointment, which she began to suffer when her secret related expectations remained pending, it has caused deep internal irritation.
This annoyance is largely displaced by fear of losing a partner, but also partly true in some occasional flashes of anger. Another consequence was that it was neither of which has not been fun, if you can not share it with your partner. The most common consequence of this disposition was that the installation makes it even more vulnerable, and passive and reinforce its contempt for itself.
Between this and the previous strain had two kinds of communication. On the one hand, the obsession modesty was one of the reasons why it needs a partner. She could not worry about the performance of their own wishes, and therefore it needed someone who would be taken care of them. She could not defend himself, and therefore it needed someone who would protect it. She was unable to see their valuable qualities, and therefore it needed someone who would have confirmed its value.
On the other hand, there was a sharp conflict between obsessive modesty and excessive expectations from a partner. Because of this unconscious conflict every time she had to distort the situation when she was disappointed it happened because of the deceived expectations. In such situations, she felt the victim of intolerable abuse and degrading treatment, and that's what makes it sad and embittered.
Most of the anger she had to suppress out of fear of being abandoned, but its very existence undermined their relationship and turns waiting Claire executed retaliation claim. She felt very upset, and this is largely due to her fatigue and internal resistance of productive work. "
As a result of analytical work in this period it has overcome its helplessness and parasitic became able to exercise much greater activity. Tiredness is no longer a constant, but appeared only from time to time. She was able to write, but is still experiencing strong internal resistance.
Her relationship with the people become more friendly, although as yet been far from immediate, in others it gives the impression of arrogance, while itself has continued to experience strong timidity.
"Overall, it reflects a change in one of her dreams, she dreamed that she had traveled with his friend in a car in an unfamiliar country, and it came to mind that it could also drive a car, but she had no driver's license. In fact, she had a driver's license and could drive a car as her friend. This dream symbolized glimmers of consciousness that it has its own rights and it is not obliged to feel helpless appendage.
Dear readers! I gave it a small part of the psychological analysis to show that the roots of insecurity are deeply in the subconscious of people, and to draw them out, you need a psychotherapeutic work.
I recommend you also to read a remarkable psychologist Karen Horne, one of the founders of traditional psychotherapy.
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