Before I was able to achieve emotional distance from the child, I had to understand and relive the experience of his inner world. I started in full denial of its existence. I remember an important step taken me several years ago. I passed a group of men. One of the tasks that we did was to dress a woman and three days, learning how it feels. At first I stayed on the surface, hold time, naryazhayas in different outfits and razgulivaya them with a sense of novelty. But on the second day, something shifted, and I began to feel more and more uncertain, timid and shy. On the surface came out the other part of me, which I was totally unfamiliar. Instead of my usual herd, employment, and high-speed external "I" revealed a space in which I became more silent, incredulous, scared and stydyaschimsya. On the third day I felt more comfortable and relaxed in this new state, so that the former moved reluctantly. Now I see that in this process came in the internal sense of my emotional child. First, there were strange and discomfort, but with time I began to feel its softness and vulnerability.
Emotional child captures our consciousness so powerful and irresistible that it was difficult to reach from the distance. But if we are able to step inside and come into contact with to see how strong feelings in its space, will become clear why this is such an amazing force in our lives. The study of internal experience of a wounded child helps us to reach the space outside it, set the distance and not to judge ourselves for what we are reactive, or are obsessed with fantasy and expectation. In the following chapters, I will be your conduit to travel to open my inner emotional landscape of the child. Can you imagine that we travel along the river and stop at certain places to look around.
To begin with, the turn to experience negative emotional emptiness and the child needs, which naturally arises from such experiences. In the first volume of the series "Diamond Heart" A. X. Almaasa has a chapter, called "theory of holes". This is a brilliant chapter, which makes a valuable contribution to the understanding of the state of mind the child. Almaas describes how emerging energy inside the hole, when a child needs are not being implemented. Probably, there are many other reasons why there are these holes, and maybe some of them even brought from past lives, but our childhood - an area where we can clearly see the source diera - that feeling of emptiness inside with respect to some aspect of our beings, who had not received food and therefore has not been developed.
Unconscious attempts to close these loopholes, we pay a huge amount of time and energy in daily life. Much of our behavior is designed to coerce others to close. For example, Benjamin, member of the recent seminar which we held in Denmark, is irresistible need to communicate with people during breaks and calls home to friends via mobile phone. Even when we asked the participants to spend time in silence, integrating new material, it was very difficult to remain with yourself. Going deeper, he began to realize that the act of a habit to communicate the fact that in childhood he was not with whom to talk. At another seminar, Mary first raised his hand every time during the panel discussion. She was not aware that there was an insatiable need for attention and recognition. When we opened her history, she could see that he never received the necessary attention to it in childhood. Now this thirst is managed throughout its life. My biggest hole has always been a sense that others do not appreciate what I do. I have spent a tremendous amount of energy, and about twenty years old doctrines in an attempt to show themselves and others that I am able to.
Our holes can be many causes, many of which are mysterious and inexplicable. But they are linked directly with the basic needs that remain unfulfilled. In fact, inside the hole, only one, but I suggest that the division to increase clarity. Those of us who did not receive support to find themselves left with the "hole of support". If we have not had the recognition that we need, we are left with the "hole recognition". We formed "rent dignity", if we feel that not enough good. Now we are eager to somebody gave us the value and using this hole. We may be a hole related to the heat and touch, and then we become dependent on someone who will give it to us. Or we can be a hole associated with the trust, which makes us feel that if we open and will be vulnerable, then strip naked for ill-treatment, control or manipulation, diera sozavisimost creates trust, in which we constantly build on their other, whereas however, the thirst proximity.
Holes created deep anxiety, and life becomes a constant unconscious desire to fill them. Each hole in one way or another directs us to the outside world. We have no desire to look for another person and situation to fill the emptiness, or avoid them. Our hole having a powerful impact on all that we attract into our lives. Again and again we find ourselves in situations that provoke our hole, because for us it is often the only way to realize that they have, and the only way to learn and develop in themselves something missing inside. To grow, we need a challenge.
Variety of holes.
? Feelings themselves unloved and abandoned.
? The feeling itself is not enough unique and distinguished.
? Distrust of their own feelings.
? Lack of motivation.
? Deep fears about survival.
? The need for touch and proximity.
? Weak motivation to learn.
? Attempts to find the love and attention.
? The quest for perfection and self-criticism.
? The feeling of vulnerability to absorb and control.
If we do not understand their own holes, and a vision of how they affect our lives, we naturally feel that the happiness we need to change the outside. This is one of the main representations of emotional child. If we are identified with him, the experience itself as a "need" because of the emptiness inside. Hunger is not real, this is trance, bladder. But it leads to the belief that life, existence and other people have to fill our hole. We believe that people should begin to treat us better, give more recognition, more love, more attention, more space and so on. Or are we trying to fill those holes, from which we find it easier, for example, clothes, drugs, or entertainment. We can not imagine any other way to stop the discomfort, pain, anxiety and fear that causes us to hole, but to fill it out. But attempts to fill the hole from the outside will never help, but only a more profound disappointment. Whatever the case, is one: to begin to understand our holes, to realize why they eat, where do, how we can heal them. The process will help to look at what I call the "essential requirements".
As a child, each of us has a significant need. If they are not satisfied, we live with the constant sense of deprivation and emotional starvation. This dissatisfaction creates energy within the hole, eager to be closed. We shutim in our seminars that if you want to come so, how should our wounded child, just imagine gippopotama, which reveals the mouth and said: "Feed me!"
Naturally, each of us his own story of deprivation, depending on what the current needs we have not carried out. Although the degree and types of dissatisfaction are different, we all share the common experience of emotional hunger in one form or another. Because of deprivation, we unconsciously projecting UNFULFILLED requirements for our loved ones, close friends, those who work on children - in fact, to everyone with whom we communicate. The closer relationship, the better the projection.
Substantial needs.
? Need to be fit.
? Need to be unique and distinguished in their own uniqueness (for who we are, but not for the fact that we do).
? The need to recognize the reality of feelings (ie, fear, grief, anger and pain), thoughts and intuition.
? The need to promote to the discovery and study of their own uniqueness in:
? sexuality;
? creative talent;
? force;
? joy;
? capacity;
? silence and solitude.
? The need to feel protected and supported.
? The need for physical touch and loving presence.
? The need of inspiration and motivation to learn.
? Need to know that there's anything wrong with that to make mistakes and learn from them.
? The need to witness the love and closeness.
? The need for encouragement and support when parting.
? The need to obtain a firm and lyubyasche set limits.
This is a list of sources from which there is a sense of deprivation. Blank them is widely disseminated. Often, it UNFULFILLED requirements lead us to another person. When there is no awareness, we will automatically move to one of the five samples of emotional child But as we increase these behaviors become less automatic. I tend to charge. When I have anxiety, my natural and spontaneous reaction - search, one in the blame. As a result of twenty years of work on myself I start to recognize that the charges - this is a dark road. It does not lead anywhere except to the conflict and pain. My habit to blame continues. And I see that it's just my emotional child "in cruise control". Now, when I feel anxiety, I am a little more space to sit and just talk yourself: "You know, baby, now you do not necessarily move in the charge". Sometimes it helps, sometimes I do blame, but then I have to catch and stop. For some time, this process is rarely an unconscious and uncontrolled.
Healing holes we begin with the recognition that we automatically try to fill them out. The process of observing and understanding frees up energy, which makes it possible to break the automatic behavior and just be with the experience of emptiness. Being with him is to feel and allow it to be, not trying to fix or change anything.
Recently at a seminar in Sweden shortly before the break, one pair had a conflict. The man went into panic, and asked one of us to come and work with them, when all went to dinner. I told him that we are into it before the whole group, the first thing as soon meet again. During the lunch break it was very disturbing and angry at me because I have not paid attention to it immediately. When the group gathered together again, he expressed anger and spoke about the betrayal. Because of his unconscious rose to the surface, many buried in the sense of each, when he was quarreling with his wife, it makes it a deep panic fear of losing her. In the state of mind the child he had no space to contain anxiety or anger. When we understand the situation and made it a little awareness, he was able to see their reaction to some distance. Waiting for the end of lunch, maybe, help him begin to feel their needs and anxiety, rather than, as usual, play their panic and automatically.
Exercises.
1. The discovery of the hole.
See a list of essential needs. Ask yourself: "Is there a hole in me, relating to this requirement?"
2. Investigation of the influence of holes.
Focused on this particular hole, ask yourself: "How will it affect what I have in dealing with people and their lives?"
3. Feelings holes.
Staying with this hole, ask yourself: "How does this feel inside the hole?"
4. The study needs.
a) What thoughts and feelings arise in you when you consider their needs?
For example:
"I do not feel entitled to want this or need this".
"If I want this, I am weak and in need". "If I give you these requirements, I will take advantage". "Why worry about that feel or express those needs, if all the same, I never get?"
b) Write down what beliefs you carry inside that does not have or do not express those needs.
c) What you taught (verbally or non verbally) in a child's needs and their terms? For example:
"Do real men should not be a requirement. Men should not express them ". "Have the needs and desires selfishly". "In life you need to think about more important things than the needs".
Key.
? We have power inside the hole because of the dissatisfaction of children's material needs, and can
be other unexplained reasons. These holes can be associated with each of our centers of energy - security, sexuality, feelings, strength, joy, creativity and clarity. To feel these holes are uncomfortable and frightening, so we are doing as much as possible to fill them from the outside - people, things, drugs, anything that just might give us relief from the alarming contact with the hole.
? The state needs - an essential characteristic of emotional child in us. It is - not our nature, and occurs from early frustration. Many models of automatic behaviors - such as denial of their own needs, obsession, or expectations, demands and hopes, - derive from this sense of inner emptiness.
3. The experience of emotional deprivation is widely distributed and is a significant rite of. Usually we start with a state of denial, which are not even aware that were subjected to deprivation of a certain emotional needs, or how it happened. Often, we even protect those who in early childhood care about us, idealising them. Then comes a painful awakening, and we realize what we lacked, and this may lead to prosecution and anger. In the end, we can feel the pain of the child within us who have to suffer, and accept it as part of growing up and waking.
HYPNOSIS
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