(continued)
A constructive alternative.
This model consists of several steps, the first of which is a refinement of detail. Criticism is often common phrases:
"I do not like your attitude," "You did not think about me," etc.
Clarification of the details will enable you to clarify what exactly is the claim the other person. This is neither an offensive nor a defensive behavior - this is just a means of achieving mutual understanding.
Inquire about the details quite easily - easy to find out who, where, when, why and how.
Who I offended?
What I did this, what do you think that I do not care about you?
When I ignored you?
Where I erred?
Why do you think that I need to spend more time at home?
As I do, that you understood what I changed?
To facilitate the interlocutor answers to your questions, you can repeat his comments and ask what is the problem. And since your goal is to achieve understanding, you can even ask if there are any other comments from the interviewee. Most of the people making the criticisms to be awaiting the defensive positions of the other person, so try to make sure that your voice does not sound sarcastic.
For example.
- I have something that does not like how you manage your class.
- What is it about my actions you are not satisfied? (More details).
- Material. It is certainly useful, but too large.
- Would you like to see, I reduced the amount of theory or exercises? (More details).
- No, no need to cut, I just would like you to speak more slowly and gave a lot of examples.
Using this tactic allows the participants to be more precise and better analyze your own thoughts. A detailed inquiry clarified the fact that the teacher would never have thought the proposals a student who had been a truly valuable.
Especially useful to clarify the details of when you think that your critic might have ulterior motives.
Similarly, in detail rassprashivaya of the details, you can see that the statement taken by you for the criticism, in fact, criticism is not.
After you specify the details and just found out what the claims of your buddy, the next step should be the recognition of critics.
But how can we accept the criticism unfair? Very simple. There are two types of agreement by which you can stay on the previous position.
The easiest way - agree with the truth.
If you are not initially taken a defensive position, it soon may find that a lot of words the other person is reasonably correct and true. In this situation the best would be simply to accept the truth.
For example:
(in parentheses conservative)
WIFE: We were on the beach, you will clog the camcorder sand.
MLL: You're right! The next time I will put it in the bag. (Next time, do not ask me to take it when we go for a walk!)
Sergey: It seems that in these negotiations did not achieved much success.
KATYA: Under, I was too assertiveness. The next time you will need to be pomyagche. (And so I was too patient with these idiots!)
Alexei: You always want to go just a movie!
Natasha: Really, I like to go to the cinema at least once a week! (And you only have to drink beer!)
Please note that although all parties agreed to talk with the truth, no one feels humiliated. Such a situation can be characterized by "I'm in the black - you are in the black."
If you begin to explain or justify their behavior, the situation is changing. Now it can be formulated as follows: "I'm in the red - you are in the black."
When you begin to snap, the situation becomes as follows: "I'm in the black - you are in the red."
Learning to accept the truth is not very difficult. First of all, it is worth thinking about, whether the critic in your address, or at least, whether it deserves the attention. If you often hear the same criticism in his address, the need to consider, not whether they were on a real basis. And if you agree with the criticism, then you can only renew its agreement, repeating key words buddy.
For example:
"You certainly miss" - "Yes, you're right, most likely, I now keep."
"You have not removed my room" - "Yes, you're right, I have not removed my room."
This approach shows that you have carefully listened to the criticism and agreed with it.
If you do not fully agree with the criticism and do not plan to do exactly as your companion wants to, anyway you must first accept the truth and then say what you want to make in another way. Thus, you will be able to retain the quiet atmosphere of the conversation.
Even if you do not want to do, as the interlocutor, it is better to say yes to this, after you agree with the truth. The fact that you have confirmed their attention to the words of your criticism is quite satisfied with it. He begins to treat you respectfully, because you have candor.
Very often, the critic in your address, there is not in categorical terms. The speaker uses the word "often", "always", "never" to describe the irregularity of your behavior ( "You're always late," "You never listen to my opinion" or simply stamp your unpleasant characteristics ( "You're stupid," "You loser, "" You're so selfish. "When you are faced with overly harsh and unfair criticism, more useful thing to agree with it at least partly, in part, that seems fair to you, and do not agree with the rest. The repetition of what you agree help you better prove your interlocutor disagreed.
Here are a few examples.
- You always late.
- I'm really late today, although the entire month came first.
- Well, to what do you eat slowly!
- Yes, today I am behind you, but last time I had to wait for you.
Please note, stressing that their own abilities and past successes, you are reinforcing a sense of self-esteem and show others that you have a positive attitude towards yourself.
Sometimes criticism can make the obvious truth, to force you to agree with their wishes in your address. But even in that case, you have an opportunity to acknowledge the truth, but do not agree with the conclusions made by interlocutor.
For example, you can recognize the overall fairness of criticism, and accept, for example, that money should be put off. But it is not necessary to immediately stop buying new clothes, tasty food, stop going to the premiere and did not go on vacation. You can accept that you need to help people, but that does not mean that you should immediately join the charity, carried out by your critic.
Your life will turn into a chain of misery and deprivation, if you start to follow all the known truths. In addition, the known truth often contradict each other: "The way the spoon for lunch, but on the other hand," Hurry - nasmeshish people. "
Thus, when someone tells you known the truth, you have full authority to admit the truth, but to remain at their positions. Let's look at an example:
- Postponed to an hour to work. Let us go better in the pool, swim. To stay healthy, we should engage in more physical activity.
- I agree that sport is useful to study, but tomorrow I will pass off, so now I can not go to the pool. (Acceptance of the truth, but the preservation of our own position.)
In this dialogue a person acknowledges the obvious, but maintains its own position. He did not disagree, arguing the benefits of their behavior, and preferred to explain it.
If you traverse all the criticism, it is almost always come to the rejection of the other person. But even then, you can find a way to agree with him, finding in his words something positive.
For example:
Patient: You do not like the doctor. You are too young.
Doctor: You are not the first to talk about it. I really do not have any gray hairs or wrinkles. The only thing I can say - I am the truth and the doctor. (Accept the right of criticism in his own opinion, but the preservation of our own position.)
In summary, it is possible to formulate an alternative model of constructive criticism.
Details, the agreement with the criticism and maintain their position.
For example:
WIFE: You should not throw the work at the institute and begin to sell books.
MLL: Why do you think so? (More details).
WIFE: Yes, simply because the institute you receive regular salaries.
MLL: That is true, but it is very small. (Acceptance of the truth).
WIFE: And, besides, you're not the kind of person who will approach trade.
MLL: What I do, what do you think so? (More details).
WIFE: You're not enough punchy.
MLL: I understand you. But I think that in this business I have a lack of penetration will only benefit me. (Accept the right of criticism in his own opinion, but the preservation of our own position.)
WIFE: If you do not prodash any book for a week, you do not pay!
MLL: You're right again. (Acceptance of the truth.)
WIFE: And, besides, none of those who sold books, not a success.
MLL: You're right, it is hard work and most of it can not. I hope be in the minority, which is something elusive. (Accept the right of criticism in his own opinion, but the preservation of our own position.)
Sometimes it is useful to ask the critic to clarify that he wants to say or ask, as if he were you. Techniques of constructive criticism of the perception of a specially designed so that you can solve problems and meet the people interviewed. As a result, you avoid the usual in such cases, confrontation and scandal. Like any new skill, this technique requires practice and repetition to develop appropriate response and make it an integral part of your conversation.
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