To get started, tell the old Eastern parable. One person was a student for eight years in foreign countries in science strange physiognomy that helps a person to understand other people. After studying, he went on a donkey in his native city. On The Road poizderzhalsya and already started to think about подработке ... when suddenly I saw on the outskirts of the city man who was very actively drum up to stay in his house, because, say, a bored him, and history travelers - it is the only of its joy. Questioned our hero at first: according to science, to which he has spent 8 years and all the money, a person that person does not bode well. But much as he affectionately barker and so smiling! "No, nothing, I studied the science stupid!" - Thought traveler and accepted the invitation. Progostil it a week and everything was very good and comfortable - just burned unfortunate traveler: "Do not give me this science! If I believed it, it would have offended such an excellent person! ". But when he decided to go further in the way, maybe a good boss gave him an account into which he inserted and posts, and food, and even stories in the evenings. On this account traveler had to work 3 months, but he was happy: all the same 8 year old study is not lost!
We do not know whether there is such a science, and where she teaches, but we know exactly what the dream of opportunity at first sight to understand everything about a person, and even thought to read, there are many of us since childhood. Every time I spend training on communication skills, regardless of whether the men in my group, or women heads or secretaries, I hear the same request: "Well, give, give us a magic wand to read the thoughts of those (husbands , female, subordinates, superiors, colleagues, relatives)! "
With regard to thinking - this is, please, to the psychic. But on the other hand, because some methods to determine many things for centuries gained psychological science. Of course, it is not sure the ability to get into his head and dreams of people interviewed, but some of the tools available. In response to the request of the "magic wand" first thing I always ask the question: "What do you do?" - And are already realizing the goal, I recommend funds.
As a rule, we all want:
* Understand the truth if we say
* Predict solutions partners
* Know deceived us or not
* Oppose manipulation or, instead, learn to manipulate
So let's ask questions and try to get answers.
"Yes and No do not tell"
"- I said, answered -" yes "or" no "!
On the simple question you can always answer "yes" or "no"
in my opinion, it is not difficult.
- Imagine, it is difficult - Carlson intervened.
- I now ask you a simple question, and you yourself to make sure.
Here, listen! You stopped drinking brandy in the morning, answer - yes or no? "
Astrid Lindgren. Kid and Carlson, who lives on the roof
We are always interested in other people's attitude to us. Many people are beginning to explore and learn by heart a book by Alan Pisa. In his book, there are too many breakdowns of and comments. "If he hands folded on his chest - then he does not want you to talk" - true, of course, but still resembles delirium. However, in my opinion there is only one very valid point, eliminates the need to learn the book by heart - so the idea that there is no universal advice - we have to observe and compare, that a man does with his poses and gestures. You can become этаким Nikolai N. Drozdov, and as for birds, fish, bee and butterfly, watch for wildlife - their people. People vary in the person ( "the face of sleeping", "is written on his face"), the emotions change our body language, thoughts are expressed in body movement and hand ...
On the technology. We use all the rules for young naturalists. First, we need to observe, compare, and draw conclusions - then. To learn more about how people react when spoke perfect truth, ask him a question, the absolute positivity which no doubt accounts. For example: "And your name is Valery I.?". If a person really is that name, you get a totally positive reaction. Mark as "yes" is reflected in the attitudes, facial expressions, hand movements. Posprashivayte Rights and neutral topics. "Not Your whether the nine in the yard?". If it is, again, get the absolute "yes", if it came at Mercedes - the absolute "no" ... then you will be able to identify common features of absolute harmony. The same intention to commit an error and see how people do not exactly agree. Do not hurry, accrued observation. So, when you're ready, ask the very cryptic question (love - not love, whether a reliable partner, will there at a date whether there is money ...). It is very important to formulate a question to ask is not, as Carlson - and did not get a third type of reaction, confusion. If you incorrectly formulated question, get an incorrect answer. If you ask Misha, if he marries at Masha, but it its not even know (option: if you ask about the supply valve at the person who is responsible for floor tiles) - what kind of reaction you get?
So: "Misha, you love me (I can count, that will get the equipment in time? Will we climb the salary?)" And even before you hear the answer, you - will see. If people answer "yes" and the reaction will be identical, you can relax. Moreover, if a person will answer "no" - a reaction the body will show the "yes", you also can not so much to worry: this is encouraging, if in the subconscious of man still has the desire for a positive response. But when he said "yes", as you read "No" - alert, start prostukivat situation, look for fuses and other options ... A person would be very surprised: he replied to you "yes". But better yet, not imitating our hero from the eastern parables, trust your 8-year education ...
And most importantly - not strigite all under one comb. One person would keep his hands on his chest, because it is cold, the other - because "is itself in the hands", the third - to highlight the beautiful breasts ...
So that there are two parallel language - gestures and words - we have already started talking. And if their information matches (people said: "I am very happy!" - And his eyes shine, he was energetic, sincere smile) - it is called a complex word congruence (match). Congruent reactions can be believed. And if the gestures and words contradict each other - we have to think about. Continued the practice of observation.
The man said: "I love my work" - and tap a fist on the table? "I am quite calm" with shaky hands and strained his back? "I love my wife" - of a man who is already 10 minutes unconsciously mnet picture of his wife? Red light! Do not believe, alert - just as if the "pleasant in all respects" call your companion suddenly starts to compress fists, "to produce claws", stand-up middle finger ... All these people do unconsciously - but nothing happens accidentally in our body! And he who tells how insane profits they will bring the proposed project, it is vain to hold back the hands of figami. Everyone who saw it back, before the results are clear.
"There is no need to teach me to speak! I love to act! "- Yelled at me a politician .. However, for some reason, perhaps not knowing that the brain loves to act, the body is allowed to speak the strange reaction - red stains and perspiration. This politician explained that the reaction is always the fact that "in the audience is very stuffy!". One problem - and in speeches on the street "sultriness", seems to continue.
Sexual gestures are also very interesting: the stronger the taboo, the more severe puritanical mores, the more we see the unconscious sexual gestures - by stroking the edges of cups and zakidyvaniya hair before sliding a hand along the chain and stroking ties. Unconscious cries and does not give us much lying. If you know about this - you first, start to monitor their gestures (it can be protected - and the attack can also trigger gestures to a reaction!), And secondly, it has become such a universal key, opening hidden doors shower others.
"The heart of rest!"
Consider a more complex communication: we should not just get an answer "yes" or "No", we need to know, "where it has a button".
This button can be easily found if pronablyudat which of the three classical roles played by people with you. These classical roles he wrote in his brilliant book, "Games, in which people play", Eric Berne. These three roles - parent, adult and child. "Yes I am, of course, an adult, I am serious, I have a big responsibility!"-Tell you ... Stop, stop, stop ... Let's continue observing naturalist.
Normal life of the office. Everything has to work with the same serious person in the identical business suits. Someone comes before someone later ... And these people are really late to the room where sat his colleagues - the same status, about the same age, plus or minus thirty. One fellow looked at his watch and suddenly turned in front of этакого "dyadenku of 50", is beginning to fill with blood, jab fingers and the tone of the indictment broadcast: "Once again 10 minutes later!". So want to continue: "And I go into the corner!" We see the apparent parent magistral raising ... Late employee turns in the same instant in the 7-year-old child: "URA, Vaaasya, you know what plugs!" - Ingratiatingly looks, and maybe even the childish foot shuffle, bowing his head. All of his person represents a children's suffering - sad fold in the mouth, wrinkles between the eyebrows. "I am so helpless that you can take with the child?!" - Asked how this figure. If "uncle" satisfied, the game is over. If not, then it is on the rise, "uncle" continues to broadcast the truth with harsh face: "And who care about jams? You do not know what plugs in Moscow? No need to travel by car, if you do not know how to calculate the time! "And because it is at this point kongruenten - he was confident that he is right, it truly implies that a colleague said something important, it just hangs in the position of parent.
Do not think that all the talk - Parents. Parents may be not only angry, but also good - this they do not cease to be in the position of the parent. It is already next to Mary Vasey vskinulas and was keen: "Petenka, well, that you all are, and go pour tea yourself, more importantly, you have the mood to work now - and all you get!" This mammy-grandmother-Kvočka talked and her instinct - to protect dityatko of the world, because it is small and helpless.
Even a child can be not only weak and quiet: for example, quite another classic child - irresponsible rogue Carlson, who so loved children, and so do not like serious educators. Why are poor and little, and merry Carlson - Children? Because the core of "child" position - absolute spontaneity and position "I have no answer for that". People in positions of child may burst into the office during negotiations with the shout: "Life is beautiful!" - And do not understand you if you are going to make comments. It offends - and you can read the emotions on his face. In any company there are always ringleader who invent funny adventures and feats, however, be responsible for these feats had to all the rest.
Let us for example consider the anecdote, which very well illustrates the classic role. The theater troupe went on tour in a town in Russia's remote, and all that with a committed, drank more on the way, but in remote places to drink proved nothing. And then one daredevil called: "I am now reshu all!". And calls to the theater: "This is your company! If you do not send 4 boxes of vodka, we do not go on stage! ". At the end of the tube is dealt a question: "Do you know who's talking! From the Director of the theater! You immediately go under the shower, and at 16.00 come to rehearsal, and if you do not exit at the spectacle, I vykinu you from the theater! ". Then the actor asked: "Do you know who's talking?" - "No!". He gently down the tube on the arm with the words: "This is slavnenko!"
It would seem that the story ended well. Children's impulse bold actor was not punished. But let us now otsmeemsya - and think about the consequences of that history. If at the end of the tube was calm intonation, the director was in the position of adult - he clearly understood the situation, took steps to calculate all the variants. If the intonation was accused - it is said parent (most likely there would be another cue that something like "Do you understand what you are doing ?!"). And if it was a parent, what will happen next, when the troupe returns? He will punish all contractors, not very interested in who he called, not reading, who would be human and who is to blame - "to teach", "to nepovadno was". And the joy of spontaneous child actor caller will necessarily have consequences - the troupe certainly find another child who wants to make a pleasant "father" and "pass" a colleague ... And all this is not about the case and about the game, in which people play . And to be able to play.
It is important to remember one thing: if we talk about the case, then normally it can only speak from the position of Adults: understanding the implications of each step, prostraivaya perspective, taking on the responsibility.
Know the three roles can be useful not only in drawing the relationship - it is a very important thing, for example, in advertising and marketing. For example, knowing that the packaging and the bright colors immerse people in the state of childhood, when you do not want to think about the consequences and want to quickly get something that glitters, marketing, develop appropriate packaging merchendayzery layouts invent products in the shops ... So spontaneous "child" 50 years sapozhki buy all the money that was in the pocket on the day of the salary: "Well, so wanted!". Of course, the parent who lives in his soul, then it will be cut: "How could you buy? What do you now live! "... But" child "will then many more years to admire this move:" Дааа, so it was a trip! ".
Lucky in communicating the people that are easy to switch from role to role and know how to adjust to the interlocutor. This is very important in the short respects: that sense that the parent run you answer the same? This will only lead to conflict. Observe if the person so pleasant to talk to you as a child, may be enter in this role - and win more?
In the long-term relationship, especially if one of the 2 hangs in the same role, it is more difficult. The two children together happily - until the first policeman or before the first word "ran out of money". Two adults will talk about, but the rest will be bored together. Two parents from each other szhivut light: "My rule is better!" Observed that the prevailing couples typically complementary: the wife plays a mammy with her husband, the husband - a strict parent, with a quiet wife ...
Observe the priority roles of your colleagues and friends. Rate, which is suitable or not suitable a person like him to build relationships that will be comfortable for him - and for you.
Who loves the ears.
There is another typology, which, you observe the surrounding environment can be integrated and well-built, comfortable relationship. According to human behavior can be understood, let us say, "what bait catching", and vice versa - "what rake is" ..
Again, its up a microscope and seeing. Here are two people talking. One is constantly moving away away, waving his hands, quick jerk phrases, occasionally looking up ... And the second put him closer, then hold the button, the hand ... In the end crisis: "What do you all the time running away, I thee I do not feel well! "-" You're my whole picture of the countryside, I do not see how you all this picture! ".
And it never will understand each other, would be annoying and irritating ... And all we must know a very simple thing: the people of the 5 senses to choose one priority, which describes their world map. Even a number of hotels, three who lived in it for your friends describe you in many ways. One will say: "This is a horror, it smells bad and bed prodavlena and stuffily impossible!". Other: "a different number, you could see what it look, how much sun! And such nice furniture, Belenky! ". A third: "The number of room, but now no sound and the door all the time skripela".
So, if a person interesting image types, if it always picks up the clothes in the tone and observed it in others, if he appreciates symmetry and is ready to ride in a white dress to a summer cottage, only to be beautiful - it "visual", people comprehend the world through the eyes . Visual said quickly and sharply, often look up when I remember. When you talk to them need more distance - because the "face to face person not to see", you need to review. This text will be word "see", "it is clear as day", "it seems" ... talk to this person, do not tell him and show. If you need something to explain, better to draw a graph, and only if it is clear timetable - just happy to be visual. It is best to call and explain the stand not in front of him, but close, obrisovyvaya common to both of you looking.
If a person in the room mess, but he protyanuv hand, takes everything he needed (to the left - a cup, right - the mobile phone, a little more book), quickly and conveniently. If he chooses not the clothes by color and texture of - "to soft" or "to smooth", and the car will take any color - it was just to sit comfortably in it ... If it looks more down slightly red and deep breathing, and talking constantly something twists in their hands, trifle and touch the other person - it kinestetik. Bring him to the letters or reports in a good pleasant to the touch paper and make it a soft chair at work ... If visual solutions easy to take - we have to do it quickly, while a few, then kinestetik to decide, should it obzhitsya, its feel, live , a dip in it. Not davite to him: he was mature. For him to think - is to feel a sense of the body is not fast - it has a long memory.
The third type of people - "listening", audialy. Audiala may withdraw from a scratch, even flooring. This is not a cause for scandal? You think so? He is important, all increases and decreases of votes, he said rhythmically and measured - or, rather, the very melodic and loves to hear your musical voice. He himself nodding in rhythm of his speech - and listening, turning your ear to the speaker. He says it will be very thorough, with all the details - and if he will rehearse series, you learn all the replicas of the characters literally. And do not try to accelerate it and say: "Everything is clear, more!" - This is like a shout recorder. You can not miss! They - not the goal, it - it is a process! The path to the heart of these people is through music. At the same time to listen and talk audialu difficult, so if you want to isolate him for a while, then listen to something unfamiliar ... (if known - he will be joined). "Women love the ears!" What a lie! This audialy like ears! By the way, and women - like visual eyes. And men, too. Speak audialu love words, do not expect that he will understand in view or the breath. If he does not hear words of love, even your love burns in the eyes, and reflected in the gestures - he will be unhappy.
Well, that is, naturalist, first, can determine to which category he belongs - also is interesting knowledge. And secondly, can now understand what "language" to talk with these "foreigners" - other types of people. Skills transfer his thoughts on someone else's "language" developed through long exercises. What will it give? Exactly three times to increase the number of people with whom you might want to communicate.
We wish you good observations and conclusions. And remember - this interesting process has no limits. But how much benefit! Understanding flavor observation position, you can buy a good habit - and good relations. As a result, the green light will shine to us sooner than others - which, actually, and want everything to achieve a dream of reading thoughts.
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