(Thomas Troub, MD)
Compromise.
Recently, during the group, one participant explained that his relationship lasted seven years, already two years after their start, he realized that the situation was for him was wrong. But he felt that was trapped. He lacked the spirit of true partner of the desire to leave because he was afraid to hurt her. In the end, he told her that he was gay. This lie has given him the opportunity to break the relationship without guilt. He is ready for the big trade-offs in its integrity, because his emotional child appalled the possible consequences of a declaration of the truth. In the state of mind baby, we live for others. When consciousness captures the fear or shame, we can not avoid living in a compromise. Our emotional child believes that the other monitor our well-being. If we stick to this belief, our actions are controlled so that others will think, and how to behave, and we do not follow our own light.
As a child the emotional state of mind most of our efforts aimed at getting approval, attention and respect. We can pretend that we do not need, or we do not want to, but this is simply denial. We have attention and approval, because as a child, we do not have enough. We are constantly fighting, and as one of the main methods used by us to receive this attention, love, approval and respect, we use ugozhdenie. Our life becomes an endless series of compromises. Moreover, our emotional child to dread the slightest disapproval, or any kind of physical or emotional attack. When we are forced to confront someone, we can knock fear. Safest to compromise.
A compromise, like any other child emotional behavior, automatically. For example, if someone whom you respect and who want friendship and attention, we ask you to make something your opinion, your child is inside the can automatically say that, in your opinion, this man wants to hear. When someone whom you are afraid, we ask you to do something, your child is fearful, it most likely will do, even if you do not wish to do so. In an emotional child has no other tools, and he could not do anything else. When we are faced with a situation where we have something from someone want, we go to a compromise before a situation. We are like a dog eat crawling on belly.
In my own life situation with reputable people have been particularly significant, the fear of disapproval or a thirst for respect has taken me from the center. It would be more accurate to say that I have never been in contact with his integrity in these situations because the fear was too strong. All my behavior was a compromise of my substantive What would I have said or done, everything was based on a false space. When I began to work inside, it has become more aware of how ugozhdenie feel inside, and contact with inner fears helped to understand and not blame yourself.
Our intimate relationships is another area in which most of us are at the endless compromise - we have not an improved understanding of their emotional child. We do not want to cause disharmony or dissatisfaction, and that to avoid them, ready to be done. We have a workshop for couples, and one of its working order - the study of forms in which people are living with the compromises, and how it creates hidden resentment. At one such seminar had a couple that I knew a long time. Their life together was full of compromises, and I knew that if the pair will be our process together, a lot will be clarified. He had to play their teenage fantasies with other women, and he secretly dosadoval that "both married". Fold it in half, ugozhdaya him, because it felt very insecure and unloved. In the middle of the seminar, he began a mini-affair with another woman. She responded initially "oppression" blandishment and, then anger and, eventually, began to see that the sample loses "ugozhdeniya Pope", and it needs to re-present right to their dignity. When they brought this situation into the visible and recognize how each of them lived in a compromise, both become easier to do what they want. He began the novel, she went to India.
After four months they were together again, but now with much greater clarity and authenticity. Until then, both have responded from the unconscious emotional child. The anger, disapproval or rejection from another cause within a mere horror. If we can feel the fear behind the compromise, then begin to see how deeply it controls our lives.
Not so long ago, I spent the session with a man who came with great pain and confusion in their lives. The woman with whom he had been together for six years and with which he was a child, fallen in love with another man. Two weeks before her novel, she told him that he wanted to sign, give birth to another child and buy a house. Roman lasted only three weeks, but during this time he experienced hell exists. Now they are back together. She said that part with another man and now wants to return to their plan to buy a house, marry and give birth to another child. In addition, she told him that if he wants to be with her, he would have to be ready for change. In the evening, when he came to me, it turned out that she is pregnant.
This person - child psychiatrist. It more than six feet and two inches of growth, and it looks very strong, confident and attractive. Yet to this woman he has been living in compromise. His horrifying possibility of doing something that she could not endorse. He felt that if one way or another it will say "no", it would mean that he does not love her unconditionally. The internal life of the home he had no influence on the situation. It is as if allowed to keep his girlfriend a car and now feel helpless. One lesson that many of us need to learn - is again taking responsibility for their lives, whatever the price. In the state of mind baby, you can not. It's too frightening.
In my own relationship a few years ago I was faced with a situation which has placed before me the question of responsibility is very clear. I had a close friend, her relationship with me were the difficulties and conflicts between me and Haman. This friend in many ways for me as a sister, and we know each other a long time. Difficulties arose mainly because I was unclear and not directly with the two women, and this uncertainty made the boundary of each blurred. I have behaved in this situation is largely the same as with many past situations, and brought the conflict. I just buried their heads in the sand and pretend that doing nothing else, and began to hope that, as long as I remain buried, all magically change. This behavior was mainly the fear of losing Haman. As soon as I saw that I do, and where all this goes, I could see the old and familiar script. I was able to approve those and other relationships and clearly express the two women, where they are I am. The conflict has disappeared.
The roots of our compromise complicated than just the fear of rejection, disapproval or attack. In childhood most of us formed the unconscious agreement with those of us grow. In exchange for love and approval, we agreed to behave as we require. Each of us, this agreement was unique, but any of them are typical, zhizneotritsayuschie features. We agree in one way or another to compromise on the vital energy and nature, to realize the expectations of society, parents and teachers. For this reason, the phenomenon is called "negative skovyvaniem". Our relationship with those who cared about us, we had a great price. Of course, the agreement was "put" so early, unconsciously, and so maintained throughout the environment that we do not have the slightest idea of what happened and how.
I have a friend in Norway, who grew up in the high society of Oslo. His upbringing and focus on the same success in business, which made his father, and as it expected, he married a wealthy woman who could support his ascension to the importance and growth. It was a marriage, which was built mainly on the formalities. I first met this man when he came to the training conducted by me along with several other physicians. I was immediately fascinated by them. I felt it in the kindness and innocence, and felt the struggle that he had to in order to live according to set standards for him. When he began to move deeper into personal growth, it became increasingly difficult to maintain the old way of life, and he found that permanently destroys itself. Ultimately, he divorced from his wife, but is still struggling for success in the Norwegian business world. He is too scared to break the possibility of negative skovyvanie with his father and confront his disapproval. He absorbed the values of his society and his father so deeply that we can not go through a second divorce - with the negative okovyvaniem. He recently met a woman who truly sees and loves him. But is it so different from what it used to, that he is afraid to present her old friends for fear of shocking them.
The biggest difficulty in this kind of compromise - that he is so deeply embedded inside. We are not aware that we are going to compromise in the same time, somewhere deep inside something wrong feelings. My friend unhappy, but did not know any other way to live. When we accept the role early in life may be only a small inner whisper reminds us that we live in a compromise. Some of us have been programmed to be careful. This is exactly what we deserve love in their childhood and think that this is what brings it to us now may be that led us - like me - to present the results, and we focus all the energy in the direction of foam more feminine side of substance.
Many of us lived in a compromise so long that we do not know how to live differently. Our image of ourselves based on a compromise. I know that's how it was with me. I remember that in college at the time of examination we often went to Humphrey Bogart movies, mandatory ritual was the evening before each test to go and watch one of his films. We understand that, if not learned the material so far, it is still too late. We both knew well the role of Bogart, a movie theater, a chorus that, in making the replica, before they bring to the screen we remember these words because they were such "steep", collected, and uncompromising. After each film, I had an internal decision that we will "cool guy". It never helped. The first is hard, I again was in his old, full of compromise, "I".
Living in a compromise, we do not feel the ground with her inside the nucleus. On the compromise involves a characteristic deep inner feeling. Personally for me it felt as weakness and lack of soil under their feet. Become more familiar with this feeling helped me to learn to see things when I did or said something to the internal sense of wrong. I became very familiar inner sense of compromise. At first, I noticed a few days (sometimes - weeks). Gradually, the time intervals decreased until, finally, I have not been able to feel it almost immediately. This was the first step out of the huge number of automated responses, based on the old and familiar vision of himself as a man of compromise, if all we do in life, was a compromise, we have no standard to judge that, whether we live in dignity. Compromise filled my life, and it was easy to see that he has flourished especially those who have been on me some power - the power to reject, to keep love and to influence the survival, of respect for authority. With these people, I was part of an agreement to support what is going on in harmony, but often this harmony was completely lifeless. Even more, I began to see that all my life was a compromise. I, in fact, lived for others, not for themselves.
Much has changed since then. In those years, I made choices and decisions, which returned me to the dignity, and studied how it felt inside: to live in dignity. As soon as I started to feel it, it was not easy to come back to the old model. Of course, many times there are situations when I caught himself again in the old "I", but they are becoming less and less. The important thing is that I can distinguish between them. Because this skill has played in my life is very important, he became one of the areas on which we will focus in the therapeutic work.
When I speak of compromise, the mean significant part of our substance, and not small "adjusting", which commits us all to live in harmony with others. For example, if I want the house was 68 degrees Fahrenheit, but prefer 72 Amana, stop by 70 does not mean to compromise. The compromise to which I say, include the destruction of our very substance - do and say what is false to my nature, and to downplay or deny the essential needs and desires. Moreover, withdrawal from the compromise will not mean that change should be someone else. It is not in another, the case is to find the courage to be who we actually do. It is not possible in a state of mind the child. The fear is too strong. To live without compromise, we must see how and in what situations we are going to it, and understand that we do not necessarily have to go all over the front of his frightened and stydyaschegosya child. This issue, which I develop in more detail in the following chapters.
Exercises.
? Feelings of internal quality compromise.
Trains in the observation of how the inside is a compromise. Note the time when you do or say something that internal sense of wrong. Pay attention to sensations in the body, your attitude to yourself and thought about themselves.
? Check what people are you going in the life of compromise.
Indicate how you manage yourself with the important people in your life - your favorite person, head, closest friends, and ask yourself whether anything in their power over you. Then note that if you are going to compromise what you say or do with them that they do not apply to you that power.
3. Notice what you are going to compromise.
Begin to understand what it means you are going to compromise. Did you say something that does not feel or do not say that right? What is your behavior seems to you a fake? What kind of work you are limited in their life because of fear that will say or do another?
4. Awareness of the negative agreements in the past.
Write down what you have with the most important people who you grow, the agreement, brought to you the love and approval, but the former compromise for
your vitality. What you expect, and what you refused?
Key.
1. We are going to compromise, because we unconsciously driven from the inside living in fear and shame Emotional child. In the state of mind baby, we did not come with its own merits, but with a child who believes that should make a compromise to get the necessary.
2. Most of us began to live in a compromise so early that we do not know what it means to be in harmony with its essence. Our compromise rooted in the negative agreements made with those who cared about us in early childhood. In exchange for love and approval, we gave ourselves and began to behave as we expected.
3. To overcome this habitual and automatic behavior, you must first learn to see when it is activated. The first step in the release takes place when we learn what life brings a sense of compromise, and what brings a sense of life in dignity.
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