Pit.
Someone once asked Osho, my spiritual master, as the man to avoid in the pits (traps, bringing pain and suffering). He replied that it is not possible. Even if we try to do so, the pits will follow us. Pit - it just possible for us to grow. To not have been the pits, people must be enlightened. The whole secret of enlightenment, he said, is to be able to avoid them. If, after enlightenment, we still fell into the pit, the enlightenment there would be little point Yes, he adds, if we develop an understanding and compassion for their own behavior and the behavior of others, love flows. Translated into the language approach, which I represent here, it means: to know about the behavior and feelings of emotional child. With this vision we are much more able to choose and avoid the pits, or get out of them quickly if all the same fall
Earlier we saw that if we are familiar with their own involuntary repetition and the fact that it is, our behavior becomes a little more predictable. We fall into the same pit, to allow any aspect of early childhood trauma, which was unconscious. But there is another way to understand the vision of the pits, which I find very valuable. During a psychiatric practice, I read a lot about the psychology of development. Works by two psychologists Development Erik Eriksson and Margaret Mahler, touched me especially deeply. At first I thought deleting the material and not included in the book because I thought arrogance to try to discuss it in detail as well as other topics. But then I changed. This material helped me. And my experience says that when we are working on them, we must take the psychological concepts in very simple terms.
Erik Erikson divided human life into seven stages. I will mention here only the first three, the rest of them are derived. Most early stage of what he calls "the primary trust to mistrust", or the time of early binding to the mother. The second stage, which he calls the "autonomy v. shame and doubt", covers the period of separation of mother and the opening of the world. And the third - "initiative against feelings of guilt" - this is the period of childhood, when we begin to establish his own identity. If you care that we get in these phases, - loving, sensitive and supportive, we are on the left side of these definitions (trust, autonomy, initiative). If not, we are developing mistrust, shame, doubt and guilt.
Watching children play, a British psychologist Margaret Mahler has made some observations on the emotional development rights, which coincided with the observations of Eriksson. Their work is now accepted as the basis of psychology. In fact, she discovered that very young children have experienced three periods: one in which they live in their own world (auticheskaya phase), the second when they are deeply connected with the mother (symbiotic phase), and last, when they gradually become independent and unique (separation and individuation). Categories Mahler - this is a kind of utopia developmental psychology. It would be almost a miracle if the child has received the unconditional love between binding, followed by a period of great support and guidance in finding themselves. The scars that we have brought out the fact that our needs during the phases of development have not been met, are manifested in our lives today.
First, the lack of a healthy link with the mother (or father if he had replaced the mother) during the symbiotic period, leaving us with a deep sense of distrust in the vicinity and even deeper hunger for good, and unconditional affection, which we lacked. We can deal with this distrust and hunger or desperate searches by proximity, or becoming a demanding and controlling, or away from situations, inviting closeness. Moreover, if our primary connection was unhealthy, it does not mean that it was not. It was, but with the negative forces and energies. To understand the fear of love, we need to understand what happened, our primary link.
Second, if phase separation is not supported and not encouraged us to develop the primary sense of shame and doubt their own ability to cope with life. We have no sense of who we are. . We are still in a deep thirst to find themselves and discover "self-confidence, which could never find before. Moreover, we can interpret love as an obstacle to be yourself and do not want to be open until the first is not hiring you. Find yourself become our first priority, and we're always suspect that someone would take us this opportunity. Indeed, so one has already happened.
The opening of Mahler and Eriksson was for me a golden find. They confirmed most of my deep feelings of internal and explains many of my experiences in the relationship - not only love but also with all people. They have helped to understand why I was in so much shame and doubt, why so much was to "find themselves", in the depths of why I felt that women do not want anything other than how to control myself and my own, and why I hated when someone told me what to do.
A little knowledge about the stages of Mahler and Eriksson reveals the mystery of why we have become dependent and anti-dependent. If in the relations we stand in the role of a dependent, which means that our emotional child loses symbiotic thirst. The fear of loneliness in a large extent reflects the lack of positive linking. How can we break away from what we never had? One of the first steps in healing involves a full understanding and acceptance of the symbiotic hunger. Usually we have this hunger effectively covers compensation, that does not realize how strong he was. I know from personal experience, and countless other experiences that the most hardened anti-dependent, too, is symbiotic hunger. He or she just denies it. Thus, it is clear that, as almost always, there are two emotional child, each of whom wants unconditional love.
Anti-addiction - it is nothing but our emotional Children have lost their thirst support and unconditional love at the stage of separation. Just as we must understand the symbiotic hunger, we must understand his passion to the office and find yourself. In Anti-dependent thirst to find a stronger binding of thirst, because he intuitively feels that unless a will, there is nothing to share it. If, having grown up, we form a symbiotic link with the other, before we reach a sense of ownership and life, we just repeat the negative binding of childhood. We lose ourselves for "love". Since most of us never completes an important stage of separation in childhood, we have to live it, becoming an adult.
Ellen Baden in the book "In search of mystical half" Mahler uses the stage to work with the understanding of relations. One of her ideas is that when we understand the stages of Mahler, they explain why it was so easily and so often the case that the relations become dry, dull and stagnant. Because we are so deeply in need of binding, it is easy to get stuck in a negative symbiosis with the other. Honeymoon period of any relationship - it is usually just a fantasy of symbiosis, yet based on the blessed ignorance. It takes some time, and this is a wonderful experience, like a drug, but it is always ephemeral. When I see the wedding, I am a way that, instead of church bells on it should read the song, beginning with the words: "Here begins the symbiosis, but beware of the chaos, which begins when one of you wants to secede". As soon as the desire for the separation occurs in one or two, cozy sozavisimost ends. Or both are trying to save the symbiosis through the whole denial and self-deception.
Ole and Eric got married young, and when we first saw them, they have been together fifteen years. She wanted to take our workshop, because Ole was no longer so attentive to her once. He wanted more time to give seminars for men, guided tours to nature with friends or alone. Eric was horrified, because everything was in a different way, and every time he left, she experienced the fear that he would not return. Ole was annoyed because it is so hostile, and this raises the noise around his desire to explore themselves in a new way. Often, two people start relationships in symbiosis, but then one wants to isolate and examine themselves, while the other wants to stay in symbiosis. The fight is because anyone who wants to secede, waiting for permission to do so without rejecting or punishing. That is what he or she wanted as a child. Togo, who wants to remain in symbiosis, covering the horror that the other does not come back if to allow him to secede. And he (a) sees the needs of another in the office and study only exodus from the "proximity".
One of the ways in which we can observe the delicate game of symbiosis and separation is a recognition of the negative agreements that we make. This phenomenon, which Hall and Cider Stone called negative "samples bind" book "Welcoming each other". They describe the roles that we want to take to ensure their security and predictability. For example, one takes the role of the child, the other one - a parent, one becomes a student, the other - the teacher, one - a strong and controlling, the other - a weak and subordinate. One becomes the guardian, another retrogressive and turns into a helpless child, who care. Or one - a responsible and serious, the other - irresponsible and neglectful. This phenomenon is prevalent in romantic relationships, but also occurs in other important ways - with parents, children, friends, colleagues at work and reputable people. Unconsciously we make a bargain with each other to create a situation which cement the status quo - at least for now. The compromise includes an open or implicit agreement not to do anything that would lead to perturbations in the established structure.
We are establishing their roles unconsciously and spontaneously. But often you can trace their roots to some form symbiotic link us in childhood. We can take the role of a parent or child. As a child, we alternate between the symbiotic role of obedient child, and separating the role of rebellious child. We can start with obedience and oppression, surely ugozhdaya another to get the desired attention and care. But then we have those annoying lovely, and we are entering a little courage, and begin to rebel. This continues until we are not worried and did not return again to the role of the beloved child. Buntuem or we remain obedient, we are still in the role of the child regressed. We need another man, taking the role of a parent to lose their behavior. We can also take the role of parent. Then we start as giving, caring parent, but for this concern is control. When we do not get what the want, we are denied. Soon we begin to feel guilty and return to care. And circle continues.
When we are in the unspoken arrangement, there may be some time before we realize it. Often, one partner begins to accumulate offense, and a conflict develops. Without the recognition agreement, as it were, these conflicts can linger for years and become more and more bitter and painful for both. Roles hold down the growth and destroy the relationship, if not brought to consciousness. Often, one partner feels the oppression and pulling out - or starting a new novel, or leaving the relationship. The problem with our agreements, not that they exist. We need to play what is not completed in childhood. It is important to note that this is just a game of emotional child Then automatic behavior highlights awareness.
I have a friend who I know for many years. He was the scenario in which he became a giving caring parent with each woman. He has a wonderful sensitive heart, but his love of history has always ended a painful separation. Sooner or later, his women are beginning to feel the need to find themselves and grow and can not do it, do not sever relations. Eventually, they recruited the courage to quit the role of the child and confronted with the fear of standing on its own feet. But due to the fact that my friend did not work with their own deep-rooted fear of abandonment, he continued to repeat its pattern and shape the unspoken agreement with each new partner. Three years ago, he realized that plays the role of unconscious and began to delve into their own emotional child. In his current relationship was entirely new quality.
I have another friend, of which - an irresponsible and child behavior with close friends and women. He has millions and obayatelen that friends and partners in the relationship is easy to slide off in the role of infinite indulgence, and his lack of forgiveness and determination of liability. Friends complain about it to each other and feel the anger at the way he led them in one case, or forced to pay their accounts in another, but nothing changes. Neither he nor his friends are not looking deep enough into the roots of this Agreement. His friends (of which I was) it was necessary to look carefully at what their role "rescue" was an expression of their own fears. In my case, I faced the horror in front of their own to take responsibility for your life. I deal with this fear by becoming overly responsible, but this was only the other side of the same compensation. I also had to feel their fears of rejection, guilt and disapproval when I stopped to play in giving parents and began to set limits. Our friend explored, as it is an automatic behavior reflects the child, longing for unconditional care and strashaschegosya to grow and become adults.
Our unconscious symbiosis is very deep and thin. Many of our current relationships reflect any agreement of childhood, which we may not even be aware of. When I look carefully at their own attitudes, the finding that formed an agreement with almost everyone with whom I have had more than a superficial relationship. To cite a few examples. I regularly play tennis with a friend, who has played better than me. I notice that we entered into an agreement that he wins and I lose. If you look deeper, I realize that the situation is exactly the copy of my relationship with the elder brother. Even if we competed fiercely, part of the binding was that he wins and I lose. Sometimes I won, but I felt that my victory alarmed some basic universal law, and would as soon as possible to make sure that everything comes back to the old agreement. I worshiping him, and his love was more important than me winning.
In relations with Amanov every time we both belong in the role of the child and parent. If we do so unconsciously, then pretty soon can still recognize and see what we do and feel, and what is behind this. We studied the dynamics of himself and his deep enough so that everyone can feel when he takes one of these roles. When the role of knowledge, they may indeed be a source of great energy food. Naturally beautiful and consciously be each other's parent or vulnerable child.
In each there is a natural and healthy demand in the merger and separation. In some respects, the need arises at different times and in different forms. Together with the emerging in whom one of the two branches on the surface of a desire to transcend the fears of abandonment. When someone wants a merger of a pair, are the fears of intimacy. Other rarely come as we want. Each time they are not such as we would like, is broken to pieces, our symbiotic dream Every time we feel that the other is clinging to us or to the order, we feel that our privilege to find himself is in danger. As soon as we reach some understanding, we learn the art of not falling into the pit.
Exercises.
1. The discovery of ourselves in the role.
Consider the three most important situations and ask yourself, how you play the adult and child? As you moving from obedience to rebellion and depression as a child? As you moving from the care and control to the rejection of a parent? Feel the energy of each role and see if you can catch behind those roles fears.
2. Investigation of the script department.
Observe what happens inside when you want someone to secede.
a) How do you handle parting?
b) What are the fears that awakens in you? Do you express them?
c) whether you have permission to secede?
3. Study scenario of parting.
Observe what happens inside, when the partner is separated from you.
a) What are your expectations?
b) What are your fears? Do you express them?
Key.
? Having reached some understanding of the stages of development, described Eriksson and Mahler, and examining the phenomenon of negative agreements, we can recognize many of the pits in which people usually fall in close relationships.
The relationship becomes an arena in which our emotional child loses left unfinished in the childhood stage.
? In our current emotional child relationship often extends to other people, to meet the unsatisfied demand for unconditional love (symbiotic hunger). With greater awareness, we realize that we can not expect from the other that it (a) has (a) that our need. Or even that he (a) understand it (a). We must be ready to feel it, does not require that any of the partner.
? Your emotional child runs to the other person is also to meet the demand for unconditional loving support and guidance in finding themselves and office. With knowledge, we understand
that we can not expect from the other that it (a) given (a) authorization. We must take the risk.
? Aware of the necessary stages of development, we are able to learn without charge or express fears of attacks, pop-up in us, when the partner is removed. We can also learn to separate themselves without violence or reactivity.
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