Relatives, friends, colleagues and even outsiders are constantly trying to make you do what you do not like asking you about it, causing a lot of convincing arguments and criticizing you for your refusal. They believe that if you try to be like and will drop you on the brain long enough, it did manage to persuade you on their side. If you concede, then surely it will get angry at the other person and feel the frustration itself.
Fortunately, there is a simple technique that will help you to resist handling even the most persevering. This technique is called "tune up the plate, because you must repeat the same words.
Technique "tune up disc" is quite simple.
First, to pretend that did not understand the other person and ask him about the details.
Secondly, when the position of the other person is clear, make the truth or accept the other person with the right to hold opinions.
And third, try to explain that you do not want to do what you asked interlocutor.
And when you have passed all three steps, and the person still continues to insist on their own, then run the "tune up the plate" - ie, continue to accept the person, repeating the same words that you do not want to do what he you requests. No one is able to withstand such a long repetition, and, most likely, your interlocutor will soon give up trying to manipulate you.
For example: - Hi, Alex! How are you? (Traditional entry.)
- All right, but you? (Traditional entry.)
- Excellent. And how is your new car? It is not broke? (Ulybaetsya.)
- Yes you that! The beast, not the machine! (Laughs)
- Listen, Alex, my relatives arrive this evening.
- Good news!
- And if I met them on the machine, it has managed to make a good impression on them! Lend me his car at night.
- I am sure that you have made a great impression on them, Sergei, but I am going to travel by car this evening. (Acceptance of the truth, but the explanation for the contradictions.)
- Hey, maybe now you oboydeshsya without a car? I want it badly.
- Of course, I could do it, but today I want to go by car. (Acceptance of the truth and the use of technology "tune up the plate.")
- Alex, so friends will not come. I thought that friends always help each other.
- I agree that friends should help each other, but I want to go by car. (Acceptance of the truth and the use of technology "tune up the plate.")
- And what is important you have planned for tonight?
- My wife and I are going to the cinema. (An explanation of reasons.)
- I am sure that she did not refuse to walk on foot.
- It is possible, Sergei, but I want to go by car. (Accept the right of criticism in his own opinion and use of technology "tune up the plate.")
- Alex, you might think that you previously did not lend me a car.
- This is so, but ... (Acceptance of the truth.)
- And unless I ever let you? The last time I even washed it and returned to you with a full tank.
- (Smeetsya.) Of course, you are always responsible for the strange things, and I would be happy to lend you a car at any other time, but I want to go by car. (Acceptance of the truth, explaining the reasons and the use of technology "tune up the plate.")
- Well, well, but what about Thursday? I must bring them to dinner at a restaurant.
- Maybe, but only if I myself do not go by car.
Thus, applying the technique of "tune up the plate, you can confront any, to the persevering arm.
The perception of criticism.
No matter how good the relationship you have with others, it is still often criticized.
"You're constantly late!"
"Could be better relate to my friends!"
"If you do not wear a coat, make sure cold!"
"You should have been more likely to visit the parents!"
The ability to perceive such criticism plays an important role in the relationship.
Usually, people in response to any criticism took a defensive position. Often people try to avoid criticism, ignoring the criticism, refusing to discuss replacing the topic of conversation, or simply ending the conversation.
Anyone who criticizes you is usually expected that his words will be carefully listened to, and views taken into account. If you do not want to even hear the other person, then leave the issue unresolved, and exacerbated its expression of personal rejection.
Instead of restoring peace, such a strategy tends to aggravate the situation and raise tensions.
The second type of defensive reaction to criticism - a complete denial.
Denial may be the same useless and harmful, and avoiding criticism.
For example:
- Lesch, I know that the machine is very important to you, but we just do not pull.
- It is not a drag! When you need something, you always find the money!
- We simply do not have money!
- We can ужать budget!
- In addition, the traffic police just hates foreign cars. They reach your fines ... And it will require more money!
- Nonsense! At the crumbs I umchus from any гаишника!
At the end of the conversation, the wife would feel such anger, that will be ready to shout, just to make her husband understand her. Whether this situation is real, their relations would suffer substantial harm.
Using a third type of behavior, you can try to excuse their behavior, explaining the details and emphasizing its importance.
For example:
- You promised to call me yesterday.
- Sorry. We had to replace the sick employee. After work, I felt absolutely exhausted.
- And so you made me all evening prosidet on the phone, waiting for the call?
- You are always so busy! I do not think that yesterday, you just sat and waited - in fact the truth?
Apologetic stance definitely puts you in having an inferior status. Your critic does not receive confirmation that his feelings or the reasons you received. He irritable because each faces its argument on your defensive reaction. As a result, even small differences in the beginning of the conversation is increasing as the snowball, and quietly started talking may turn into a serious quarrel.
The fourth type of behavior - "eye for an eye" when the other person responds to criticism of criticism.
Example:
- Look, you should have come early. We agreed to leave promptly at three. Now we are late.
- Nothing of the sort. There is still a heap of time. Better to remember how many times I had to wait for you!
Response criticism very tempting position. Your critic, who himself is not perfect, is criticizing you or your behavior, and thus gives you a reason vyplesnut their anger at him. However, bringing a temporary satisfaction, this position causes significant damage to relationships. It rarely leads to the solution of real problems or to reach compromises. Moreover, as a result of such an approach may be a serious quarrel.
For example:
"I'm trying to reason with you, and you just shouting. It seems that you are not able to calmly savvy. How silly!"
If none of the patterns of defensive behavior is not good, you should use the technique of constructive alternatives. Using this tactic, you can reassure your critics by showing them that their opinion is important to you that you accept their comments, although not always agree with them.
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